Accurate Friendship

Friendship is a concept of human existence and community that has spanned through the ages. Friendship is a situation where there is mutual attachment and intimacy. It is a level of relationship that goes beyond acquaintanceship. It is deeper than just knowing few details about one another. The fact that someone tells you her secret does not qualify you to be his friend. True friendship takes a lot of time and effort to build but when attained it is worth the endeavor. Life is not lived in an island. True intimate friendship is an invaluable asset.

Sometimes it takes being away from or losing our friends to appreciate them. That was my experience with my good friend while in the university. He had to go away for his industrial attachment and I thought I would not miss him, since we will still communicate through letters. There were no mobile phones in Nigeria then. Emails were no commonplace. It took both us the first week to realize that we were precious to one another. Issue that we will discuss immediately we get back to the hostel and get off our minds had to wait for weeks. Postal service usually takes a minimum of two weeks then.

Aspects of friendship that determine the best relationship

*Fondness – it is impossible to be a friend with someone that you do not share fondness. A good friendship must be characterized by love, affection and pleasant feeling. You must always want to be in the company of your friend.

*Mutual respect – friends are meant to respect one another. Mutual regards is a necessity if friendship is going to last. It becomes quite annoying when you give due regards to someone and there is no reciprocal approach from the person. No matter how unrelenting, tolerant, and resilient you are, you will eventually burn out.

* Loyalty – friendship will run smoothly when the parties involved can freely share deep feelings and concerns without being afraid that it will hit the headline. It is also important to note that when friends exhibit a high degree of devotion and duty to one another, their level of intimacy will increase.

* Absolute trust – Real friends trust each other. Friends do not suspect. They believe all things and take things at face value.

* Empathy – Empathy is taking a walk in someone else’s moccasin and then gain a firsthand experience of the person’s feeling. Friends feel for one another. If your friends feel joyous and elated, you will not find it difficult to identify with the person immediately.

The qualities to look for in a friend

* The person that will be your friend must share your belief. This is very important because if there is divergence in belief, there will be war at every point there is difference of opinion. It is very difficult for me to agree that people of different belief systems can truly be friends. They may just spend their whole life and time in the relationship tolerating each other.

* Friends must have shared interest. Although it may not be absolute that they will like the same thing hundred percent, the degree of divergence must not be too wide. Their likes and dislikes must have some level of correlation. A party in a friendship cannot be a chronic partying type while the other is deeply involved in church activities. It will not just flow at all. Birds of the same feather must flock together; otherwise they may just be keeping a company that will scatter like a house of cards.

* A friend must be ready to sacrifice. Jesus said in John 15:12 - 15 “This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father.” Friends are meant to be there when we rejoice and cry with us when we mourn. Fair weather fellows cannot make good friends.

* Patience – A good friend must be patient. It is said that even identical twins born of the same mother, proceeding from the same womb on the same day will still have differences. It is therefore important that friends must be ready to endure their differences and respect their uniqueness. There will moment of intense interactions, but the undergirding factor will be love woven with patience. Pro 18:24 “Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family. “ Friends must be ready to spend and be spent. Pro 19:6 ‘Lots of people flock around a generous person; everyone's a friend to the philanthropist.’ This is close to the sacrifice factor. Friendship sometimes can be tasking but when there is mutual interest and concern, pain and demands are nothing but joys to savour that you have been of help to someone.

* Frankness – in friendship, there must be absolute trust and openness that makes it possible for the other party to call one to order. If my friend will not be bold enough to tell me when I am sliding off the track, then we are just playing games. Openness is a critical quality of enduring friendship. I remember when my friend that I mentioned earlier gently called me aside and asked about my prayer life. We were staying in the same room while in the hostel at the university. I used to wake up exactly 2am to go to a secluded place to pray till 3 or 4am. It got to a time that I got busy with some other activities that I was not waking up to pray again. He observed this for some time and found out what the matter was. That brought me back on track to resume my spiritual discipline. Happy is the man that has someone to point out his error to him.

* Fun – I must be relaxed with my friends to have fun with them. When pleasantries are shared in very official manner, then we are just business partners or colleagues. Friends throw banters and laugh hilariously. They can go to any length to enjoy themselves. That is why good friends are always looking out for one another to just relax and fun, because they are sure that they cannot be misunderstood for any action or statement.

How to maintain Enduring Friendship

*Talk – conversation is very important if a relationship is going to work. When we talk we bare our minds and express our feelings. It very easy now to maintain contact with friends. In the days we were growing up, we write letters and wait for a minimum of three weeks to get a reply, but I can be in Nigeria and engage in Instant Messaging with my friend in Seattle. Distance is no longer a barrier to converse.

*Listen – listening is an art that we all need to learn, because it is difficult for people to keep what is their mind and wait for the other person to finish saying his own. It is important not to take listening for granted, never realizing what it means to really listen to a friend.

Give – friendship is about give and take. If you are always receiving from a friend and not ready to give no matter how small, your friend will soon be tired of you irrespective of how generous the person is. We must learn to give time, money, gifts, and attention to our friends.

* Take – I need to add that we must be humble enough to take from our friends. Some fellows are so proud that they consider collecting things from their friends makes them inferior. True friends never think of whether they are inferior or superior. Friends must think equality in their relationship.

*Remember the little things – it is quite important to acknowledge that despite you have shared interest with your friends; you still need to understand that they are unique; it is wise to know the little things that make them happy or sad.

* Respect their privacy – this sounds ironic, but if friendship is going to work, we must be ready to give a distance when you sense that your friends need it. For instance if your friend is a married man and you realize he does not want to discuss a particular issue that has to do with his wife, leave it and respect him for that. You never may tell that he may call you on phone the next minute spilling everything out, but if you try to force him, he may get irritated. I always ask my friends the tactical question ‘do you want to talk about this later?’ If they never bring it up by themselves I never ask as long as it is not fundamental.

* Affirm – affirmation is a potent tool for maintaining friendship. We must not be found being economical in praising our friends, it can greatly affect their outlook to life because they believe in the sincerity of our judgment.

*Forgive and forget – forgiving those that you love and trust is a huge task, but for the relationship to grow we must forgive when we are hurt. From experience, the relationship grows stronger after a session of quarrels and eventual forgiveness and forgetting. It is very important to trust God not to make reference to issue dealt with in the past when we have issues to sort out as it may indicate that we never forgave in the first place.

*Sincerity – sincerity is allowing your action to be judged by sunlight, in which is there is no hidden agenda. In friendship, openness is a critical factor that will make the relationship last for long

Soul Connection?

The concept of soul connection has many varied explanations that one has to be careful accepting it hook, line and sinker. In my own understanding, soul connection should be taken for what it is, a connection of the mind, the will and emotion. Friends will have to think alike- that is the mind, I must be excited and saddened by what excites and make my friends sad, that is the emotion, and I must have relatively similar decision pattern with my friend – that is the will. So I agree that soul connection is necessary for lasting and joyful friendship if it is line with my view. David and Jonathan had soul connection and that made their friendship worthwhile.

Christian Love and Accurate Friendship

Friendship can never be accurate unless it based on the principles of the scriptures. That may sound too strict but narrow is the Way. Our kingdom runs on the principles of absolutes. Jesus Christ laid the example for us. All the attributes and qualities aforementioned cannot be exercised unless the love of Christ is shed abroad in our hearts. Paul stated those attributes of love that are essential for lasting friendship in 1Co 13:4 -7 ‘ Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.’

We will not be able to exhibit those qualities listed above unless we have that love of Christ controlling us. 2Co 5:14 ‘We are ruled by the love of Christ, now that we recognize that one man died for everyone, which means that they all share in his death.’